


The Impregnation of Dil Howlter by the Coward Robert Ford

by schizdroid



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alien Abduction, Other, The Sims 4, amorphous blobs, sorry there's no sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-30
Updated: 2017-06-30
Packaged: 2018-11-21 04:24:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11349807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/schizdroid/pseuds/schizdroid
Summary: Dil was just minding his own business, sleeping on a log by the pool, as one does, when he was very rudely abducted by aliens.And these aliens have quite the unexpected proposition for our loveable little Dilly-pants...





	The Impregnation of Dil Howlter by the Coward Robert Ford

" _Psst_."

Dil stirred, expecting to see Tabitha in bed next to him.

" _Psst_."

He opened his eyes. "Tab?" Tabitha wasn't there, and Dil wasn't in bed. "Erm..." 

" _Greetings, Sim._ "

" _Welcome_."

Dil looked around the room. It was white and so expansive he couldn't tell where, or if, it ended. He had never seen snow, but he imagined this is what it would be like to be dropped in the middle of the Arctic, all white with no edges and no sense of direction. Cold, too. Had he been asleep? He was standing upright in front of a semi-circle of blob-like creatures. They seemed to shimmer, their colours varying from green to blue to purple to grey, maybe white. Maybe there were more that he couldn't see, blending seamlessly into the blinding white that encompassed them all. The feeling of infinity overwhelmed Dil when he tried to grasp any end to his surroundings and so he focused on the beings in front of him, holding on to any colour or distinction that he could. "Am I dead?" he asked.

The blob-beings all chortled without moving. " _Oh no no!_ " one of them said. Or all of them said. Or thought. Dil was aware of the words being conveyed, but couldn't be sure if he was hearing them or somehow absorbing them with his mind. The beings were so still and he couldn't find anything resembling a mouth where one should have been. " _You're just a visitor here._ "

"Where is... here?" Dil asked, not really wanting to know. Hadn't he just been asleep on the log in the garden? He knew he wasn't dreaming, and yet he desperately wanted to wake up.

" _This is our home_."

" _For now_."

" _Didn't Tabitha explain?_ "

Dil felt as though a bucket of ice-cold water had just been poured over his head. Tabitha? "Is Tab okay?" He spun around to see if he could have missed her presence in his initial assessment of his surroundings. But there was only white.

" _Of course she is_."

" _Your Sim partner is safe in your home_."

" _Tell her we say hi_."

Dil closed his eyes as their words washed over him, all of them came at once and yet he understood that they were also somehow separate. He still wanted to wake up.

" _I think Tabitha didn't explain_."

" _But he signalled_."

" _Why else was he sleeping on a log?_ "

Dil opened his eyes. "Hey, guys, could you maybe explain whatever it is that Tabitha didn't?"

" _We have been speaking with her_."

" _She was going to be our host._ "

" _We waited for the signal._ "

"Yeah, that didn't really explain anything," Dil said.

One of the blobs was in front of Dil's face. Dil hadn't seen it move, it hadn't moved, but it was closer all the same. " _I'm so sorry_ ," it said, " _We were expecting you to be as intelligent as your Sim partner, this is quite a lot for an average Sim mind to grasp. Tabitha is far above-average for your kind_." The other blobs seemed to murmur agreement in Dil's mind. " _Come, Sim_."

 

* * *

 

"How's this?" 

Dil looked across the table at Emiliano, his moustachioed coworker, and then around the room they were sat in. They were at work.

"Err..."

Emiliano twiddled with his moustache. "Wow, this feels really weird. You Sims have some interesting bodies." At Dil's blank stare, he continued, "I thought a more familiar setting might make this easier for you." He opened and closed his mouth and ran his fingers, Emiliano's fingers, over his teeth. Emiliano's teeth.

Dil shook his head. "I don't know if this is an improvement," he said. Dil slapped his own cheeks and then pinched his arm, just to be sure. His cheeks and arm stung and he was still sitting across from something wearing an Emiliano suit. He didn't really feel sure of anything. "Do you have a name?"

Emiliano nodded. "I am Coward Fxrrksrzzdd of the RxxbzttXX."

"Okay. What?"

"Ah yes, those pesky Sim tongues do get in the way. You may call me Coward Ford."

"Why 'Coward'?"

"Because that is what I am."

Dil stared at the familiar face in front of him, his mind running over with questions.

"Where I come from, a coward is a noble thing. I am a coward, I am a king, I am a captain. My kind, we aim to be a peaceful and calm society, where pain and violence are to be shunned and avoided. As, perhaps in the words of your kind so you can better understand, 'ain't nobody got time for that'."

"Not to be rude, but it's not very peaceful to abduct Sims with no warning when they're just having a cheeky nap by the pool. I won't deny I enjoy a good _consensual_ probing as much as the next Sim, but—"

"I beg your pardon! Nobody is interested in doing any probing, we are not some roaming band of perverts, we are an advanced society, _advanced far beyond the limits of your comprehension._ We are, in fact, amorphous blobs with a wonderful array of genitals your limited Sim brain couldn't possibly understand and that, no offense, have no interest in joining with any part of your Sim body. We don't need to do any touching of any kind here. Ugh, gross."

Dil shifted uncomfortably in his seat. "Oh. Sorry. I just thought—"

Ford raised Emiliano's hand. Dil stopped talking.

"We didn't realise there was 'no warning', as you say. We thought perhaps you had taken Tabitha's place as she has already grown a being of her own. Congratulations, of course. She is a remarkable Sim and your progeny will be just as exceptional, I'm sure, even with your DNA in the mix."

Dil felt a small rush of offense course through him, but then registered Ford's other words. "Taken her place? For what?"

"For ensuring the continuation of our kind in the Sim world, should we be wiped out in ours."

"...I'm sorry, what?"

"Tabitha was considering our request to serve as host for our progeny. Specifically _my_ progeny as I am the last true Coward of my kind, to spread the RxxbzttXX throughout the digital universe. We are under attack by a violent uprising who do not respect the RxxbzttXX way of life. Our ship contains the last of us that we are aware of, and should we fail to endure, we must make plans for the future of our kind, even if that future is blended with that of your kind. Our memories and our history will live on in the minds and bodies of our hybrids. And you are ideal specimens to carry forward our history; Sims have an unusually vast space for information imprinting within them. You are aware of that, yes?"

Dil was not aware of that, but he nodded anyway.

"We came to Tabitha, first in a dream, and then when she agreed, we invited her aboard our ship. She told us she would need time to consider and to discuss with you, and that when she was ready, she would signal us by waiting alone outside at night. We took your outdoor unconsciousness as that signal."

"You've never heard of camping?"

"We know of tents," Ford replied. "Why were you on a hard wooden surface outdoors, without a tent, when there were soft and warm surfaces available to you just inside your home?"

Dil shrugged. "UberDads."

"Ah yes. We know of your Sim lore: ' _my UberDads made me do it'_. Quite a convenient excuse for abdication of personal responsibility for one's actions."

"Wow, you're _really_ making me want to carry your baby."

"I apologise. It is wrong of me to look down on the beliefs of lesser beings. We of course believe in the great creator, Al Gore, with a devotion of our own. But we acknowledge that he does not intervene in the digital universe and we are solely responsible for ourselves."

"Okay, do you want a medal?"

"I much preferred interacting with Tabitha."

"Honestly, if I had a Simoleon for every time I've heard that, I'd have two owl slides by now."

Ford shook Emiliano's head with impatience. "I'm sorry, but time is a factor. Every moment we stay in one place, and every time we return to the same place, our aggressors get closer to finding and annihilating us. We can't risk any more trips or waiting, we need an answer now."

Dil sceptically eyed Emiliano's body up and down. "If I said yes, what would I have to do?"

"Nothing at all. You would be fertilized in our ship, with absolutely no touching, as I said, and then dropped off at home to live your life."

"And you would come back for the baby?"

"No. The progeny will be yours and Tabitha's to raise as your own. Returning would only endanger its life as long as we are on the run. And this war will very likely not end in your lifetime. Maybe not even in the lifetimes of your great-great-grandchildren. We know eternity in a way that you cannot. Our progeny will know it as well."

"Will it be... Sim?"

"It will be close enough to Sim to live what you consider a normal life. Just more colourfully."

"And... Tabitha was going to agree?"

"That was our impression, yes. She just needed time. But we are out of that now, and you are all that we have."

"No pressure, though, right?" Dil muttered. He thought of Tab and Dab, and how happy they've all been since his birth. Then he thought of all the morning sickness Tab had to go through, and the waddling. The embiggening. "So when I give birth, it'll just... come out?"

"The same as all Sims, yes. When it is time, you will breathe deeply until the child is in your arms."

"But just to be sure, no... orifices will be involved?"

Emiliano's eyebrows furrowed. "What is it with you and probing and orifices? No. No orifices will be harmed."

"So what you're asking is for us to carry and then adopt your child."

"Yes, it's not that complicated, Sim. Damn."

A sibling for Dab. A family of four. _More house redecorating_. And an explanation for Tabitha's multiple abductions. They really needed to work on communicating better when Dil returned home; life was constantly getting in the way of their ability to have a real conversation with each other. Their UberDads didn't often let them just relax together on the couch after a long day. But another baby sounded to Dil like more of a blessing than a curse, and the ability to carry it this time, instead of Tabitha, appealed to him the more he thought about it. Dab was a gift she gave to them both, and this baby could be his gift in return. What's a little morning sickness in exchange for that level of equality? Dil took a deep breath in and said, "I'd be honoured to continue your species, Ford."

"Then so it shall be," the Coward Ford said. He gave Emiliano's moustache one last wistful stroke with both hands before he stood up and the room became blindingly white once more.

 

* * *

 

Dil was back in the white place with the colour-changing blobs in front of him, shimmering and still. "I'm sorry, but could you repeat the name of your kind? R... something?"

" _RxxbzttXX. You may think of it as 'Robert' as your Sim mind cannot comprehend the full meaning of who we are_."

" _Close your eyes, Dil_."

" _Hail to the Sim Dil and the Robert Ford for now our kind shall never perish_."

Dil closed his eyes, but couldn't stop himself from saying, "Remember, no probing."

The RxxbzttXXs all muttered among themselves with disgust.

" _Crude Sim_."

" _Tabitha really wasn't available?_ "

" _Dil, shh._ " 

One RxxbzttXX, Ford, was once again directly in front of Dil. "Open your Sim mind and think of new life, peace, compassion. Accept all of it into your body, mind, and heart."

Dil did as he was asked, and images of Tabitha laughing, of her smiling and holding a newborn Dab flooded his mind. _Yes_ , he thought.

"It is done," Ford said.

" _Our kind thanks you_."

" _Please say hi to Tabitha, we miss her, she's great."_

" _Please love this child as your own_."

"I will. We will." Dil opened his eyes, the never-ending white of the ship was less overwhelming to him now. He felt comforted by it, almost like he was home. He opened his arms as though to hug Ford, but the instant he did so, Ford was no longer in front of him, but back in that semi-circle of indistinguishable blobs, decidedly out of hugging distance. They were immobile as ever, but Dil could sense them all shaking their heads in disapproval at him, had they heads to shake.

" _No touching_."

" _Please leave now_."

" _Thank you, Sim Dil_."

 * * *

 

Dil was sat on the log bench by the pool. Had he been asleep? What a strange dream that had been. What he could remember of it, anyway. Something about snow? Dil shook his head out of confusion, or maybe it was just exhaustion. There was an itch in his stomach, but he was too tired to eat, it would have to wait until morning. He climbed into bed next to his sleeping wife, sure that more strange dreams awaited him. But next to Tabitha, he knew he would be okay. What a long, strange day it had been.

And on to the next.

 

**Author's Note:**

> 'Senior Pollination Technician #3' is simply the crude English translation of the Sim translation of 'Coward Fxrrksrzzdd of the RxxbzttXX'. Dan and Phil only speak one language, so they couldn't include that information in the video... ;)
> 
> Welcome to the (Sim) world, Dalien!


End file.
